Commissioner Blasts "Character Assassination" Against Him; New Candidate Emerges

MINNEAPOLIS - Nov. 10 (AP) -- Commissioner Cody Youngquist continued to defend himself Wednesday against charges of sexual abuse on a goat leveled against him, arguing with the high council of the Fantastic Pears that the league "deserves better than someone getting tried in court of public opinion based on unfounded accusations."


The commissioner has been dogged over the last two days by a series of allegations that he acted sexually inappropriately toward a number of farm animals. Earlier this week, a farmer spoke publicly about incidents surrounding the allegations.

Stryker disappeared 10/28/2011

"If these allegations of sexual abuse are true, then this is a horrible tragedy for those animals," PETA representative Anne Duncan said.


When asked about his attempts to change various rules midway through the 2011 season - Mr. Youngquist said the current uprising by league managers was organized by a small group of "commie sons of bitches," intent on destabilizing his unilateral rule over all league matters.


He pointed to Charlie and Sharon's absence from the revolt as evidence of his continued popularity.
"Chanley and Sharon, despite what's happening over the last couple days, are still very enthusiastic about my lordship over the league -- over the last three days, they have voted with their absence of negative comments and they are saying they don't care about the goats or the new rules" he said.


Nonetheless, financial markets aren't convinced. Yesterday, the Dow Jones industrial average dropped more than three percent, down nearly 390 points, amid rising fears that the Fantastic Pears league crisis was widening.


Meanwhile, other league managers are expressing their wrath directly to the commissioner while simultaneously garnering the support and evidence required to proceed with the impeachment process.


Matt Tatone already frustrated by his repeated attempts to decipher enigmatic messages from the leader of the Devil Dogs said: " I have a lot of pent up rage due to my record." Jesse, manager of the Murderapolis Killers was also furious, directly addressing the commissioner with the following: "Stop being a power-hungry douche because your team isn't good enough."


Since word of the accusations against Mr. Youngquist surfaced, Jacob Shannon has stepped in as a leading candidate to oversee the Fantastic Pears league if the incumbent commissioner is impeached. The unconventional candidate who has soared to the top of the field and is quickly gaining support flatly said that Mr. Youngquist is a "bad leader and power hungry".


“It’s very gratifying to be part of a group of men that honors excellence in the medium of fantasy football to which I have devoted so much of my career,” Shannon said in the statement.


Hours after the onset of the crisis, several managers have turned to Shannon as a potential candidate to take over the league. Several banners have mysteriously cropped up all over Minneapolis and the Associated Press has the scoop:

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Written by Billy Joe (AP)