League Managers Warn of Impeachment Against Commissioner

MINNEAPOLIS (AP) - Commissioner Cody Youngquist says he will not retreat "an iota" from his decision to implement his "trade players for future picks" program, in the wake of massive uprising that raises concerns that the manager of the Raging Rhinos is unfit to lead the Fantastic Pears league.


The commissioner defended his decision, saying it was obvious that the unhappy managers were "distraught" by the fact that he is ahead of them in the standings. He also rejected recent sexual allegations while speaking at a rally shown Wednesday on Mexican state television.


On Tuesday, several sources said they had "credible" information that Mr. Youngquist had engaged in sexual activities with a goat on a farm property outside the Twin Cities


In its report, animal rights organization PETA said it had "serious concern" about the information indicating the commissioner had abused a goat in such manner that no remains were left to be found.


Some league managers have long suspected that the venerable commissioner is unfit for leading the league-- a charge Cody has repeatedly denied.


Matt Tatone said Wednesday that the report "seriously aggravates existing concerns" and also added "thanks Cody for continuing to prove that you have no business being a commissioner."


Meanwhile, the Teutonic Armies known only as the Devil Dogs were last reported to have ransacked Paris and sent Stephanie's head back to league's office with some cryptic messages about defecating "fuzzy pickles" and killing "a guy with a trident". They were unavailable for further comments.


Jesse said in a statement that remaining league managers need to impose "unprecedented" sanctions on Cody if he rejects cooperation on his new program. Jake, an outspoken detractor of Mr. Youngquist, has taken a more aggressive stance altogether, proposing that the commissioner be impeached and he be elected for the post immediately.


Charlie said Wednesday that he is still studying the PETA report and called for a peaceful resolution of the issue. Sharon criticized the news outlet for distributing the report to the public, which may have lead Mr. Youngquist to remain in hiding since the outset of these scandals.


In a statement Tuesday, Jamie and Dave said the newly revealed sexual allegations could be a conspiracy intended to prevent a diplomatic solution to the dispute.